Coming out of the closet and living an openly-gay lifestyle is not for everyone. But what are the repercussions for those who choose to stay in?
‘I’m 20-years-old, Catholic and trapped inside my closet with the door nailed shut,’ confides Charlotte.
‘There’s this whole world of women like me, but I’m scared of getting caught exploring it,’ says the church-going student, whose parents told her that gay adoption would be akin to allowing pedophiles to look after children. ‘I’m surrounded by people who have a problem with homosexuality and it’s messed a lot with my confidence – I’ve self-harmed because I want to punish myself.’
Charlotte is one of the countless lesbians living double or ostensibly ‘straight’ lives for fear of being alienated from their families, friends or work colleagues. Despite all that’s been achieved for gay equality, for women like her, coming out feels as impossible as it was for people 40 years ago.
At 27, Sangeeta is under pressure to settle down with a Sikh man. ‘If my family were to find out that I’m engaged to a woman, they would disown me,’ she says. ‘Being gay is one of the worst things you could do in the eyes of the Sikh community, even worse than marrying a Muslim man.’The sociology teacher goes to great lengths to keep her gay and ‘straight’ lives separate, even telling her parents she works at a school in another county to avoid having to live at home under their watchful eyes. But she admits the stress of it has taken its toll on her and her relationships. ‘I used to take it out on my girlfriends. I’d get so drunk at weekends, and I turned into a massive bitch just before I went home to my parents.’
Facing such deeply entrenched prejudice in their own communities, it’s understandable why these women keep their sexuality a secret – but at what cost?
‘Denying a part of yourself is very damaging emotionally,’ says former DIVA agony aunt Ronete Cohen, who runs online counselling service Rainbow Couch. ‘You can’t live a really fulfilling life because there is this fear in the back of your mind that you’re going to be found out and as a result lose very important people in your life.’This anxiety can exaggerate negative reactions, although, as Cohen explains: ‘People’s pre-conceptions can change when faced with the reality and they accommodate things they didn’t think they’d be able to.’
For some, the stakes are higher and the fight for acceptance becomes one for survival. ‘It’s a very Westernised view that coming out is a good thing; in some sectors in our society it’s not always advisable,’ points out Dominic Davies, founder of Pink Therapy. ‘For some Muslim women, it could result in honour killings or being sent back to Pakistan to be married off.’
Others stay in the closet to safeguard their loved ones. Single mum Sonya keeps her 12-year-old son in the dark, worried that he’ll be subject to homophobic bullying. ‘I have my life here in a small Irish town where nobody knows, and I socialise with my gay friends half an hour away in Derry. I feel half-in, half-out.’
‘At home I do try to foster healthy attitudes toward homosexuality,’ she adds, all too aware that ‘gay’ is the playground jibe du jour.
‘It’s important to talk to someone to ensure your decision is really informed,’ advises Cohen. ‘You think you’re protecting your child, on the other hand you could be damaging part of the intimacy – and that’s much more long-lasting.’
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